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Vince Vance's Joke Of The Day!

An 80 year old guy goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, "How do you stay in such great physical shape condition?"

“I'm a golfer," says the old guy, "and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

"Well," said the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it than that. How old was your dad when he died?"

"Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor is amazed, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

"He's 100 years old," said the old golfer, "In fact, he golfed with me this morning and that's why he's still alive: He's a golfer too."

“Well,” the doctor said, "that's great, but I'm sure there's got to be more to it than that. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

“Who said my grandpa's dead?”

Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living? Just how old is he anyway?"

"He's 118 years old," said the old golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point and says, "So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"

"No, Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The doctor can hardly believe it. "Got married! Why in the hell would a 118 year old guy want to get married?"

"Who said he wanted to?"

*********************************************

What is “Fee-Fee, Fie, Foe-Foe, Fee-Fee?”

Give up?






Mike Tyson's phone number.

********************************************************************

Two great white sharks are swimming in the ocean and spy the survivors of a sunken ship.

"Follow me, son" the father shark says to the son shark and they swim to the mass of people.

"First, we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they do

"Well done, son! Now, we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they do.

"Now, we eat everybody." And they do.

When they are both gorged, the son asks, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?

Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replies, "Because they taste better without the poop inside!"

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Me: "Doctor, doctor, please help me! I feel really ugly!"

Psychiatrist: "That's silly, Vince! Just lie on the couch... uh, make that face down."

******************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Two elderly couples are enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asks the other, “Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replies, "They taught me all the latest psychological techniques - visualization, association – it’s made a huge difference."

"Wow, that's great!” says his friend, “What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred goes blank. He thinks and thinks but can’t remember. Then a smile breaks out across his face and he asks, "What do you call that red flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turns to his wife and asks, "Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

*****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

Vinnie O'Vance is driving down the street in a sweat because he has an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he says, "Dear Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I'll go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appears.

Vinnie looks up again and said, "Oops, never mind, Lord; I just found one."

****************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

This woman goes to her city’s most famous psychic.

In a dark and gloomy room, the gypsy gazes at the Tarot cards lying before her.

The Tarot Reader’s brow furrows as she says, “There’s no easy way to say this. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stares at the single flickering candle, then down at her trembling hands. She takes a few deep breaths to compose herself.

Looking into the Tarot Reader's eyes, she asks, "Will I get away with it?"

******************************************************************************************************************

This guy tries to sell his neighbor his dog.

"This is a talking dog," he says. "And you can have him for just five dollars."

The neighbor says, "Who do you think you're kidding with this talking dog stuff? There ain't no such animal."

Suddenly the dog looks up with tears in his eyes.

"Please buy me, Sir," he pleads. "This bastard is cruel. He never feeds me nor bathes me and has never even taken me for a walk. I once was the richest trick dog in America. I performed before kings. In the army I was decorated ten times."

"Wow!" says the neighbor. "He can talk. Why would you want to sell him for just five dollars?"

"Because," says the seller, "I'm getting tired of all his goofy lies."

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Late one night, this drunk is showing off his new apartment to a couple of friends.

He leads the way to his bedroom where there's a big brass gong and a mallet.

"What's with that big brass gong?" asks one guests.

"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replies.

"A talking clock… Seriously?" asks his astonished friend.

"That's right! Watch," the drunk replies.

He picks up the mallet, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound and steps back.

The three stand there looking at each other for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, "You idiot! It's three-fifteen in the morning!"

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Lawyer: I have some good news and some bad news.

Client: Well, give me the bad news first.

Lawyer: The bad news is that the DNA tests showed that it

was your blood they found all over the crime scene Client:

Oh no! I'm ruined! What's the good news?

Lawyer: The good news is your cholesterol is down to 130!

****************************************************

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

******************************************************************************************** A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

*****************************************************

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.

She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.

The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when you father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".

"I remember that too", she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"

**************************************************

Arriving home very drunk

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

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